It's time to check your personal privilege. You'll never once hear me talk about how it's so hard for me in this world. My family has achieved the American Dream...well the Glacially Musical dream.
We have a two living room lifestyle that allows me to listen to records at loud volumes while my family is safely downstairs ensconced in the warm, iridescent glow of the plasma television.
As the colors emerge from the screen...my daughter is comforted by smallish horses living in a town that's always fair and ruled by a congress of princesses who've never been corrupted by the sheer power granted to absolute monarchs.
Skulk, The Hulking isn't as luck as myself or Rainbow Dash.
He's an oppressed ogre living somewhere in the world and he drinks beer to deal with said ogre oppression.
1. My personal favorite beer style is the might Double India Pale Ale. The best DIPA in the world is STLIPA by Urban Chestnut. Tell me about your favorite style.
Being an ogre who is constantly angry at the world for what we have wrought, I find the best style of beer is the one that is the cheapest beer. This tends to make it the plentiest of beers. In turn, making it the most beer to go in my belly.
Thus the beer gives the right amount of drunkenness to fight against the giant, capitalistic, fascist machine constantly baring down on all of us. You can’t go wrong with the immensely watered down flavor of Coors Light in a can, for it seems to hydrate you at the same time you get wasted.
This saves precious time for aimlessly screaming in the night, blowing off steam, until you figure out how to truly quell our oppressors.
Thus the beer gives the right amount of drunkenness to fight against the giant, capitalistic, fascist machine constantly baring down on all of us. You can’t go wrong with the immensely watered down flavor of Coors Light in a can, for it seems to hydrate you at the same time you get wasted.
This saves precious time for aimlessly screaming in the night, blowing off steam, until you figure out how to truly quell our oppressors.
2. Many international people have laughed at me for this, but American Beer is the best in the world. Not American Lagers, that piss water is best used for drinking 15 of them while you're at the karaoke bar, but American Craft Beer. Which nation is pumping out the best beer?
The smack of piss on the lips does wonders for riling up this monster's loins for a good bourgeoisie overthrow.
Now since the body can’t process piss, I’m gonna have to say American Lagers are the next best thing, contrary to your statement. (And if we happen to sing a little karaoke along the way to a new world order, load me up some Tom Jones.)
To be fair however, though America may have the most brands of shitty beers to choose from, shitty beer is an international constant, meaning a good old booze fueled revolution can happen anywhere, at any time.
Now since the body can’t process piss, I’m gonna have to say American Lagers are the next best thing, contrary to your statement. (And if we happen to sing a little karaoke along the way to a new world order, load me up some Tom Jones.)
To be fair however, though America may have the most brands of shitty beers to choose from, shitty beer is an international constant, meaning a good old booze fueled revolution can happen anywhere, at any time.
3. Even though I'm a giant beer snob, I'll drink beers that break the Bavarian Purity Laws. My personal favorite is Schalfly's Bourbon Barrel Imperial Stout. It's a might 22oz of 10% ABV Stout aged in bourbon barrels. It'll warm your heart and soul.
What beers do you love that break Reinheitsgebot?
Many people think shit beers don’t have that punch you in the face alcohol content that we all wish to consume in hopes of forgetting the unfair world we’ve created. How wrong they are though.
When a blind rage is needed on an oppressee’s budget, Naty Ice can hit you in the teeth with that this-is-rubbing-alcohol taste that really gets you in the mood to challenge a dictatorship.
Yet, relatively new comer Bud Light Platinum might be the peak of this category. High alcohol content, corkscrew bottle neck so you can really chug like the monster you are, and being a light beer, you don’t have to worry about losing your ogre-ish figure. (Ed Note: Bud Light Platinum has only 10 less calories than regular Budweiser.)
When a blind rage is needed on an oppressee’s budget, Naty Ice can hit you in the teeth with that this-is-rubbing-alcohol taste that really gets you in the mood to challenge a dictatorship.
Yet, relatively new comer Bud Light Platinum might be the peak of this category. High alcohol content, corkscrew bottle neck so you can really chug like the monster you are, and being a light beer, you don’t have to worry about losing your ogre-ish figure. (Ed Note: Bud Light Platinum has only 10 less calories than regular Budweiser.)
4. Right now, you couldn't pin me down and get me to give my favorite St. Louis Brewery, though Urban Chestnut's STLIPA does put them in the lead...but if you put a gun to my head,it's Schlafly Brewing. What do you think of your local brewers?
NYC is full of these locally made, full bodied, flower scented, perfectly balanced micro-brews. Pfft, if I wanted to have a garden shoved in my mouth, I’d give up the fight and let the boot of the man squash my face down in the dirt.
Luckily, if you just call your local bodega a “local (purveyor of things made by a) brewer” you can pick up all the Coors Light you can carry.
Pro tip: your child’s stroller can allow you to bring home 30-45% more beers depending on the model.
Luckily, if you just call your local bodega a “local (purveyor of things made by a) brewer” you can pick up all the Coors Light you can carry.
Pro tip: your child’s stroller can allow you to bring home 30-45% more beers depending on the model.
5. Hops or Malt? Personally, I feel like a jerk for asking the question. Give me a malty Scottish/Scotch Ale or a hoppy DIPA...and I'm happy...but you gotta pick one.
Malts are an underappreciated beer form. Old E (Old English) is a stand by classic that everyone knows, but back home in Chicago, King Cobra really lets you slum it like the g-men came and illegally foreclosed on your home.
The great thing about these beers is that they almost only come in glass bottle 40 ounce bottles ready to be turned into Molotov cocktails once consumed.
Just be sure you chug fast or ya might be stuck grimacing through some hot smelly sludge on a warm summer day, while the military searches your district for “questionable citizens”.
The great thing about these beers is that they almost only come in glass bottle 40 ounce bottles ready to be turned into Molotov cocktails once consumed.
Just be sure you chug fast or ya might be stuck grimacing through some hot smelly sludge on a warm summer day, while the military searches your district for “questionable citizens”.
6. Whenever I'm road tripping. I'm always bringing back beers. Ohio, Great Lakes Brewing. East Coast, Yuengling. Western New York. Genessee. What do you bring home?
The Midwest has some great slog to bring home whenever I visit. If visiting friends up north in Wisconsin, The Beast (Milwaukee’s Best) is always a great disappointment to grab and power through while plotting how to render the rich powerless.
Plus, being a beast myself, its nickname is quite endearing. Yet, nothing compares to my home town’s Old Style.
Taking after its name, the taste feels made in the style of ancient gruel, as though the recipe were taken from papyrus that was written while the slaves plotted to burn down the pharaoh’s temple.
Plus, being a beast myself, its nickname is quite endearing. Yet, nothing compares to my home town’s Old Style.
Taking after its name, the taste feels made in the style of ancient gruel, as though the recipe were taken from papyrus that was written while the slaves plotted to burn down the pharaoh’s temple.
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