Interview: Qoheleth

So recently, we were very lucky. There was an offer from some PR firm that I'd never heard of, but they assured me that their human hair wigs would do my stead well with the ladies.

Honestly, it seemed a little bit far fetched, but my wife did say that my slightly smaller forehead combined with the very brown hair I was then sporting made for a striking (my paraphrased) possibly even statuesque, and Dionysian countenance...so...

It was easier to believe them that for the low price of just $25, I'd be able to interview the MIGHTY Metallica!!! METALLICA METALLICA!!!

A quick paypal to HumanWigsofChina@yahoo.tz.lmnqop.com later...and an email address was provided for the interview.

Now, there was a slight snag, and California's Qoheleth answered the interview instead, sure it was pointed towards the thrash legends, but it still works if you ask me.

NEXT time, Human Wigs of China promises to get the email to the right person as long as I send them a paltry $5 to make sure there are no snags.

In the mean time...

Glacially Musical: First let me say that it's an absolute honor to interview you guys. Metallica has long been a favorite of mine and an inspiration for this website.

Metallica Qoheleth: ....

GM: Moving on. The first topic I want to broach is the loss of Kirk's riffs for the latest album, Hardwired To Self Destruct. How do you feel that affected the album? 

I'm pretty sure that I made it clear in the preliminary discussion that I'm not in Metallica. I'm the drummer for the band Qoheleth. - MS

Captain Kirk? Who knew that dude could play? I mean, I know he was a total intergalactic player, but guitar? Unreal. - JH

GM: How is this going to be protected in the future?

Again, NOT in Metallica... - MS

I think we should return to a messaging system based on telegraphs and carrier pigeons.That would keep things secure. Except in case of avian flu. Then we're all screwed. - JH

GM: With James being a straight edge in 2017, how do you guys deal with alcohol on the road? It's not like you can ask the venues not to sell beer.

Well, since I'm not in Metallica and I drink beer, I really don't care what they do... - MS

More Star Trek questions? I mean, you know I'm in Qoheleth, right? We work in concepts and themes, but it's not like we're cosplaying as Trekkies on the weekends or anything. - JH

GM: Metallica has been a long standing proponent of The New Wave of British Heavy Metal, if there was one of those bands you could get to reform and go on tour with you, who would it be?

I'd go on tour with Royal Blood, but not as Metallica... - MS

Uhhh, who cares what Metallica thinks? Clearly the right answer here is Part Chimp. - JH

GM: Metallica has had a long standing relationship with ESP guitars and before that played Gibsons. As a guitar player, I've always wondered why the switch to copies of the guitars you played in the past.

I play drums. In the band Qoheleth. Not Metallica. - MS

I own guitar and one guitar only: the Ibanez AXS32. GET ON MY LEVEL Metallica. - JH

GM: Because King and the boys aren't here....you tell me....which band do you prefer, King Diamond or Mercyful Fate?

Slayer. - MS

Cave In. - JH

GM: What's the one album that you guys heard and thought, this is the kind of band Metallica needs to sound like?

Slayer. Seasons in the Abyss. - MS

God is the Warmest Place to Hide, by Qoheleth. - JH

GM: What kinds of difficulties does only doing 50 shows a year present to such a large fanbase who craves for your shows?

We've never played live together. Because we are not in Metallica. Is this real life? - MS

Given that our fan base in the tens of fans at this point, 50 shows would probably be overkill. But hey, shoot for the stars and even if you miss, you'll crash and burn on re-entry. That's how the saying goes, right? - JH

GM: Now, whose bright idea was it to not be in St. Louis, MO for damned near 9 years?

I've never been to St.Louis. - MS

Metallica hasn't been to St. Louis in nine years? That's just a rookie mistake. Everyone needs a solid dose of Ted Drewes in their life on a regular basis. - JH

GM: The Hardwired World Tour stops have had very reasonable ticket prices, how did that come about?

You should probably ask Metallica... - MS

No clue. I'm in Qoheleth. Our ticket prices are below rock bottom. Like, $Free.99. - JH

GM: Tell me, in your opinion, who the most important guitarist of all time is?

Lars. - MS

This dude:
.
- JH

In the meantime, make sure you check out their latest album at Bandcamp.

(Ed Note: This whole article is satire.)