|Jonathan Petkau of Domestikwom|
Last time, we were informed that our order of real human hair didn't go through, so the interview was sent down the ladder to band of a smaller stature than that of Metallica. Dealing with these PR Bootleggers is hard.
Unfortunately, they needed me to purchase their steel converters, which I don't even need because I'm writing about metal, oh.....I get it now.
They said the more metal I bought, the closer I would get to Metallica. So, they sent me back these answers, but even though it's not Metallica, Domestikwom answered it as best as they could...
We're not quite there, but they assured me, I'm on the list.
GM: The first topic I want to broach is the loss of Kirk's riffs for the latest album, Hardwired To Self Destruct. How do you feel that affected the album?
Well the title Hardwired to Self Destruct is actually a reference to Kirk’s computer, where all the lost riffs were stored. I don’t know why he’d have that feature installed on his computer.
He should fire his IT person.
GM: How is this going to be protected in the future?
We’ve had the Geek Squad connect Kirk’s guitar to the cloud so that it’s constantly recording what he plays. We’ve rented out server farms in Northern Canada so that nothing will ever be lost again.
GM: With James being a straight edge in 2017, how do you guys deal with alcohol on the road? It's not like you can ask the venues not to sell beer.
For James, we’ve permanently hooked up a breathalyzer that is connected to a shock collar. Anytime you hear one of James’ trademark grunts, it’s cause his blood alcohol level is too high.
That more or less solves the problem.
GM: Metallica has been a long standing proponent of The New Wave of British Heavy Metal, if there was one of those bands you could get to reform and go on tour with you, who would it be?
I’m just waiting on some final details to be finalized before we unveil our new project, which is that I will summon Lemmy from the dead and he can use my body as a vessel.
Just have to get the priest and sacramental garlic in place. It will be my life’s greatest achievement.
GM: Metallica has had a long standing relationship with ESP guitars and before that played Gibsons. As a guitar player, I've always wondered why the switch to copies of the guitars you played in the past.
One time of the Gibson reps looked at me funny, so here we are.
GM: Because King and the boys aren't here....you tell me....which band do you prefer, King Diamond or Mercyful Fate?
This is what Sophie’s Choice was about right?
GM: What's the one album that you guys heard and thought, this is the kind of band Metallica needs to sound like?
Well, there was one time that Dream Theater played all of Master of Puppets live, so we thought we’d return the favor and record one of their classic albums as a tribute.
We’ve been looking for one for about 10 years now, but we’re confident we’ll find one soon.
GM: What kinds of difficulties does only doing 50 shows a year present to such a large fanbase who craves for your shows?
It does create a problem, but fortunately we’ve been able to model our concert location bidding program on the way that they choose cities to host the Olympics.
They’ve never had any problems whatsoever with getting that stuff to run well and ethically.
GM: Now, whose bright idea was it to not be in St. Louis, MO for damned near 9 years?
Well, that’s a tricky subject. The answer is *smoke bomb*….oh I’m still here huh?
GM: The Hardwired World Tour stops have had very reasonable ticket prices, how did that come about?
Well, thanks to some very generous sponsorships, we were able to subsidize ticket costs this time around. And now I’d like to take a minute to talk to you about Dairy Queen.
Have you tried their Flamethrower Burger? It definitely Fights Fire With Fire.
GM: Tell me, in your opinion, who the most important guitarist of all time is?
Some people will say that it’s the most technical, high quality guitarist that matters, but I’m no purist.
The most important guitarist is the one that you have with you. In fact, the guitarist you keep in your pocket can do just as good guitar as any of the higher end models.
This is still a work of satire. For all the goodness of Domestikwom, make sure you check out their BANDCAMP page.