Necrosexual Stands In For Iron Maiden....

Necrosexual

Well, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. At least that's what they've all told me.

Now, at this point it's unclear if Metallica just didn't feel that our awesome power and readership didn't merit a response, though we lovingly sent out a set of interview questions that related to their tour, their lives, and their everything, or if we were just being taken.

Admittedly, we had to deal with some (possibly) dodgy folks while we were attempting to secure the interview of a lifetime.

So, after some soul searching, we realized that Russian Hackers got Donald Trump elected over a much more qualified opponent! So, we asked Russian Trollbot creators to put us in touch with Metallica.

Frankly, they laughed at us. They said rigging an election was much easier, but was there another band they wanted us to get into contact with instead?

Well, not only has Iron Maiden been one of my personal favorite artists for over 35 years, but I did just pick up several Triple LP Live albums...so we asked them to get with Bruce, Steve, Dave, Adrian, Janick, and Nicko...

But apparently....we got Necrosexual instead....



Glacially Musical: It would be an understatement to say I'm flattered, but I have to fanboy out for a moment. The Fear of the Dark Tour was my very first concert. What can you tell me about that tour?

Necrosexual: Bruce was very dedicated to his intermural volleyball league at the time. They had games every Tuesday when we were home from tour, so he wanted to clean up his diet on the road. 

Bruce insisted on eating nothing but egg salad with extra mayonnaise three meals a day for the entire world tour. We called it the FEAR OF THE FARTS tour.

GM: Iron Maiden has really been through a lot of things over the years. What's been the most difficult storm to weather?

NS: I cannot stress the importance of synchronizing your bowel movements as a single unit at an agreed upon time, twice a day. That way, everyone is on the same page. None of this "Oh, where is Dave? We can't find Dave!" because he's in the restroom and didn't tell us. 

If we all go the bathroom at the same time it saves us so much confusion, and we can also discuss band meeting type stuff while we wait in line. 

It's the only thing that's kept us from clawing at each other's throats sometime. We tell this to younger bands and they look at us like they are crazy.  I guess it's just our age showing. 

GM: Let's talk about Bruce's cancer, what has that done to the functionality of the band as a unit?

NS: Let's just say I spoke with some "Maidens" who got a VIP seating in the captains quarters on ED Force 1, and Bruce's UNIT is still functioning at 100%, full steam ahead.

GM: It's funny to talk about it, what about that reunion?

NS: We're just waiting for Paul Di'anno's mom to let him out of the house and we can commence with the KILLERS reunion the fans want. 

Paul's been grounded for some time. 

GM: What are your thoughts on that considering it's been longer since you've been together than whole run of the band before it?

NS: We've recorded album after album, so many great hits I can't remember all of them, but I would trade it all in a second if it meant getting a restful night's sleep without being tormented by the Supreme Batlord Lossoth. 

The only thing that keeps the Supreme Batlord Lossoth at bay is recording these triumphant heavy metal anthems with galloping bass lines and lyrics from stuff we've seen in Steve's book collection. 

Otherwise the Supreme Batlord Lossoth swoops in and lands on our chests while we try to sleep, tries to poke our eyes with his green beak. He makes a horrible Squawking noise and has this nasally laugh. 

It's quite horrid.

GM: What sort of changes had to be made for when Jannick and Adrian were both in the band?

NS: It was a massive undertaking. An extra guitarist means we need even more blowdryers and pomade, another man whose hair needs to be primped before shows, more sandwiches and iced tea from craft services. 

But if there's a band who can handle it, it's Maiden.

GM: What sort of advice would you give to yourselves back in 1986?

NS: DO NOT EAT AT THE ALL YOU CAN EAT CRAWFISH BUFFET IN SANDUSKY OHIO. 

I know it seems like a great bargain for $6.99 but your gastrointestinal health will pay a far greater price than you can ever imagine.

GM: One of my absolute favorite things about Iron Maiden is how you've been able to negotiate this modern world without becoming a heritage band. How did your every other tour idea come about?

NS: I hope when people look back at us, they realize we were a band who were 100% in the music industry for ourselves and to make money with zero regard for our fans. 

That's actually our rally cry when we're on tour, "SCREW THE FANS!" So many bands get caught up trying to please their fan base and are never happy. 

I think our fans see that we don't care about them all, and really admire us for it. They feel more connected to the music that way. 

GM: Thank you also, for all those live albums. The vast majority of them have been smashing. Is there any chance we're going to see Maiden England '88 getting a triple LP makeover?

NS: We experimented with a triple gatefold, but you know, the more folds an album has, the higher the chance of it getting stuck together when our "Maiden" heads cream their pants. 

They get too excited sometimes.

GM: Where would Iron Maiden be without Eddie?

NS: Eddie has been a critical factor in merch sales. You can put his ugly mug on anything and slap our logo on it, and they'll buy it anyway. 

Note: Like the previous series of Wrong Band Interviews, the Iron Maiden Series is wholly satire and all in good fun! Check out Necrosexual's new record Grim 1 on 2/18.