But, here's the thing, I have other PR sources to get that Metallica interview on the books, so I contacted the Indian SEO firm that also doubles as the #1 PR Firm in the subcontinent. Thanks to their reasonable rates, I was able to secure...what I thought....was an interview with Metallica.
So once again, we sent it over and here we are...it went to the wrong band.
This time though, Justin Pierrot of Stormland did his level best to stand in for the greatest heavy metal band of all time.
It's kind of like how Jim Campbell was supposed to replace Brett Hull on the St. Louis Blues...that's right, the Canucks didn't have Brett Hull even though he lived in Vancouver and played Junior B for Penticton Knights...so snack on that for lunch, Justin!
Glacially Musical: First let me say that it's an absolute honor to interview you guys. Metallica has long been a favorite of mine and an inspiration for this website.
Justin Pierrot: Well yeah, how could they not be? Honestly, Anthrax was my first metal band, but I've got lots of love for Metallica. And Justice For All is easily my favorite album from them!
GM: The first topic I want to broach is the loss of Kirk's riffs for the latest album, Hardwired To Self Destruct. How do you feel that affected the album?
JP: Oh dude... I heard he had all these, like, crazy djent and brutal death metal riffs, balanced out with some funky thump playing in the clean parts. Could you imagine how much more brutal"Moth to Flame" would have sounded if they'd been able to keep some of those 276 bpm riffs that he was rumored to have? I mean, I know Lars couldn't have kept up, but still...
GM: How is this going to be protected in the future?
JP: I heard that they got a special version of those fitness armband phone holder deallies for Kirk, and once he put his phone into it, it was locked on each side by James and Lars. He won't be able to remove the phone unless they're both there to unlock it. Security's getting tight, man.
GM: With James being a straight edge in 2017, how do you guys deal with alcohol on the road? It's not like you can ask the venues not to sell beer.
JP: Easiest solution would be to just download it onto the opening bands. Who says you can't re-gift your rider, right?
GM: Metallica has been a long standing proponent of The New Wave of British Heavy Metal, if there was one of those bands you could get to reform and go on tour with you, who would it be?
JP: Dude, they're already back together! Can't you see it? Metallica and Venom Inc! That would so bad-ass, man!
GM: Metallica has had a long standing relationship with ESP guitars and before that played Gibsons. As a guitar player, I've always wondered why the switch to copies of the guitars you played in the past.
JP: It was a combination of affordability for the fans and money paid to the band. Seems like it was a smart call, in retrospect. Gibson's quality control has apparently gone to complete and utter shit. I guess that's what happens when you sponsor Nickleback.
GM: Because King and the boys aren't here....you tell me....which band do you prefer, King Diamond or Mercyful Fate?
JP: King Diamond, because I once dressed up as him using his facepaint design from the Puppet Master album cycle for Hallowe'en.
GM: What's the one album that you guys heard and thought, this is the kind of band Metallica needs to sound like?
JP: The Crown's "Possessed 13." Could you picture Metallica playing with that kind of ferocity these days? Damn! I'm getting hyped just thinking about it.
GM: What kinds of difficulties does only doing 50 shows a year present to such a large fanbase who craves for your shows?
JP: It drives up demand, which means after the initial sellout, a Dane can make a killing off the resale market by teaming with the major scalpers in each city and with StubHub.
GM: Now, whose bright idea was it to not be in St. Louis, MO for damned near 9 years?
JP: It was a group decision. Why? Because the Blues suck.
GM: The Hardwired World Tour stops have had very reasonable ticket prices, how did that come about?
JP: A great man once said something to the effect of, "Because I'm rich, bitch!" Was probably that line of thinking.
GM: Tell me, in your opinion, who the most important guitarist of all time is?
JP: Jimi Hendrix. Jimi all the way. After all, if it weren't for Jimi and the wah pedal, where would Kirk Hammett be?
Please Note: This is still satire and you can learn to love Stormland on Bandcamp.