Thursday, February 8, 2018

Coffin Torture Isn't Iron Maiden

Coffin Torture
Well, we made contact again with the Russian  Hackers.

They were informed about the Iron Maiden/Necrosexual mixup. We were duly informed that that was all fake news and then all of a sudden about 15,000 Trump Twitter bots hit us hard and then followed us over to Instagram...

It was a bad scene, man.

To make it up to us, the Russian Trolls said they were going to get our interview.

I'm pretty sure this isn't Iron Maiden, but who am I to hey this is Coffin Torture or something?

Glacially Musical: It would be an understatement to say I'm flattered, but I have to fanboy out for a moment. The Fear of the Dark Tour was my very first concert. What can you tell me about that tour?

All these world tours are starting to run together. We've been at it for like 75 years now. 

GM: Iron Maiden has really been through a lot of things over the years. What's been the most difficult storm to weather?

The whole "replacing our lead singer" thing was pretty rough at first, but it all worked out. 

GM: Let's talk about Bruce's cancer, what has that done to the functionality of the band as a unit?

Everything is fine and our units are still functioning. 

GM: It's funny to talk about it, what about that reunion?

It's been great! Like a family reunion, but with guitars and slightly less animosity.

GM: What are your thoughts on that considering it's been longer since you've been together than whole run of the band before it?

Meant to be, I guess. Like I said, we've been at it for like 100 years, so who's counting? 

GM: What sort of changes had to be made for when Jannick and Adrian were both in the band?

Bruce really had to watch it with his running around. All those guitar and bass headstocks flying around up there can make for hazardous conditions if you don't have your wits about you. 

GM: What sort of advice would you give to yourselves back in 1986?

Throw those ridiculous synthesizers in the trash and let Bruce write his stuff. Tell Adrian to piss off with that crap.

GM: One of my absolute favorite things about Iron Maiden is how you've been able to negotiate this modern world without becoming a heritage band. How did your every other tour idea come about?
Yeah, that plane really makes it easy to tour alright. That's the best idea we've ever had, by far. By far!

GM: Thank you also, for all those live albums. The vast majority of them have been smashing. Is there any chance we're going to see Maiden England '88 getting a triple LP makeover?

Your welcome! Maybe so.....until then, just buy 3 of them and staple the sleeves together. 

GM: Where would Iron Maiden be without Eddie?

Where would Eddie be without Iron Maiden? That's the real question....Eddie was just a regular zombie joe before joining up with us. 

Now all he has to do is just be our mascot and get paid out the wazoo! Seriously, Eddie gets paid more than all of us combined and we're the ones up there knocking our brains out. 

You know how hard it is playing 'The Trooper' and 'Run To The Hills' night after night....year after year.....decade after decade? Where's the Tylenol?!?!

NOTE: This a continuing work of satire that will hopefully outlive us all. Be sure to check out Coffin Torture on Sludgelord Records!

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