Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Wrong Band Again Grethor Helps Out

Life is crazy you know.

After speaking to the hackers, we were informed that this time would be accurate, but first I had to buy 2,000 twitter followers, a goofy and expensive hat, and we did that, but still here we are.

No closer to Iron Maiden. Grethor however did answer the call as best that they could.

Check it out below while I peruse the list of the 13 Russian Nationals indicted to see if my PR Contact is among them.....

Glacially Musical: It would be an understatement to say I'm flattered, but I have to fanboy out for a moment. The Fear of the Dark Tour was my very first concert. What can you tell me about that tour?

Tony Petrocelly (guitar): I can tell you that the single song from Somewhere in Time that we played on that tour was one too many. 

Each successive release after Powerslave tends to be 1 or 2 diamonds sitting atop a pile of garbage...by and large, those were the songs we played on that tour, and thank fuck for that. 

Also, a big retroactive pat on the back for not playing Quest for Fire.

Marcus : My wrists hurt. Was it really necessary to cuff me? Seriously. My hands could've been cut off. I would've just come along, had you asked. 

GM: Iron Maiden has really been through a lot of things over the years. What's been the most difficult storm to weather?

Petrocelly: I'm inclined to think it's the high water mark left by Rock in Rio 15 years ago.

Marcus : I thought 94 was pretty cool. Honestly, I was having fun until you fired me. 

GM: Let's talk about Bruce's cancer, what has that done to the functionality of the band as a unit?

Petrocelly: I mean, it was just tongue cancer, ya know? We didn't really let it drag us down, we just questioned its legitimacy until it went away. 

Marcus : Fuck him. Fuck him with a rusty, turn of the century vibrator. 

You know, the ones that were used to cure ladies' hysteria, because their husbands were a 
bunch of limp-dick Victorians who probably just roamed the streets looking for prostitutes anyway. 

What were we talking about? Oh, right. Yeah, fuck him. Me and Paul Di'anno meet at a bistro to form an anti-Bruce club. We have voodoo dolls, all kinds of shit. 

I would like to think we did this. Except the cancer isn't in his dick. It hasn't formed a head like that thing from Total Recall and sucked his entire body through his asshole.

GM: It's funny to talk about it, what about that reunion?

Petrocelly: Janick Gers looks like Frankenstein's monster, so we felt it necessary to bring back Adrian Smith as a laugh because we always thought he looked like Dr. Frankenstein. 

With both of them on stage, and especially with the way Janick runs around, it started to look like a Roger Corman musical, like ROCKIN' FRANKENSTEIN or something like that. 

Marcus : I don't know. I never get asked. Kinda fucked up, isn't it? 

GM: What are your thoughts on that considering it's been longer since you've been together than whole run of the band before it?

Petrocelly: We are excellent milkers. Though we still crank out albums on a pretty consistent basis, it's clear we've got no more catchy songs left in us, and haven't for a long time. 

We can just keep pushing product, and as long as we play The Trooper, people eat it up. It's beautiful. 

Marcus : Can I leave? Please. Please get help. 

GM: What sort of changes had to be made for when Jannick and Adrian were both in the band?

Petrocelly: Janick's cabin in all tour vehicles had to be enlarged to accomodate his massive head.

Marcus : Call 911. Please. I just want to go home. 

GM: What sort of advice would you give to yourselves back in 1986?

Petrocelly: Don't release Somewhere in Time. Break up immediately, which will preserve one of the all-time great 3 album runs any band has ever had. 

Then reform, but adopt the incredibly sibylline strategy of releasing only singles, which are strictly to include only Can I Play with Madness, The Evil that Men Do, The Clairvoyant, Bring Your Daughter to the Slaughter, Be Quick or be Dead, Fear of the Dark, From Here to Eternity, and The Ghost of the Navigator. 

Play Rock in Rio in 2002, then afterwards, break up permanently.


Petrocelly: Stay in Wolfsbane then, I don't fucking know.

GM: One of my absolute favorite things about Iron Maiden is how you've been able to negotiate this modern world without becoming a heritage band. How did your every other tour idea come about?

Petrocelly: We're really just trying to see how long we can overstay our welcome. 

Marcus : I had to sign an agreement to never appear in public as "That ex-Iron Maiden singer." I'm not supposed to talk about it. Why didn't you call Paul? 

GM: Thank you also, for all those live albums. The vast majority of them have been smashing. Is there any chance we're going to see Maiden England '88 getting a triple LP makeover?

Petrocelly: I mean, we sell tote bags, water bottles and onesies, so why not?

Marcus : I am not allowed to be within 500 feet of Bruce Dickinson. You know that. 

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